I can't think of what to call this post.

I always think about what I'm going to be doing a ways down the road. Not planning, persay. Just pondering. My husband will be the first to tell you that I really dislike planning... and that drives him nuts. But he loves me :) Anyway, I have wanted and dreamed of being so many things in my life.

From this:

To this:

To this:

And that's where I am right now. I really could never put into words how passionate I am about leading worship. I started playing keys at Creekside Alliance Church when I was 14 years old. Easter of 2004 to be exact. Soon after, I started singing as well. I continued until I was 19 years old. That is when my dear friend and long time mentor (the worship leader of Creekside), Phillip, and his family decided to move back home to California.

We called this one "Eyes and Teeth"

I wish so badly that you could have witnessed Creekside's worship in it's hay day. The Spirit of the Lord was upon us and I have yet to experience a comparable worship time. There was just this bond with the whole group that could not be duplicated. I had finally found my passion.

In late 2009, I began "interning" under Phillip. The Holy Spirit in me was on fire. I just soaked up every ounce of his goodness and power. I lived and walked in the Spirit. I focused nearly every minute of my time preparing for the next Sunday. I was able to pick songs, lead songs, write songs, have a solo or two (Phillip's choosing, definitely not my own). It was the absolute best our team had ever been (not because of me, but God through us all). 

And then, just as it "got good", it came to a close. January 2010. The blow that I had long feared but put on the back burner of my mind. "We've decided that the Lord wants us to leave Florida and return to California. We'll be leaving in March." Ugh. My heart sank. I was not surprised, but I was still crushed. It was like when a family member who has been ill long term passes away. You knew it was coming, but when it finally does you just don't know what to say. So we spent as much time together as we could. We soaked that up. But if you knew the Ganoungs, you'd know there could never be enough time.

Myself, Phillip, Teraena, and my sister Hannah.

Which brings me to my next thought. I am an angry woman. I really am. I'm angry at God for taking away the most spiritually influential people I had ever known. My best friends. Gone. Why? If I knew why, would it help? I'm angry at myself for waiting so long to get serious about worship. I'm angry that I ever wasted a single moment while under Phillip's leadership. I didn't take advantage of the sheer humble genius that God had gifted our incredibly small church. I didn't take advantage of the magnitude of talent that exsisted in our team. I'm angry about the timing. Why right then? Why did it end just as soon as it began? Was it just so I would get a taste of what God could do through me so I would press on? But what if I don't want to press on? What if I am truly convinced that any worship I could ever do would never be as Spirit filled, relevant, vibrant, culture engaging and changing...? That's where I'm at right now. Wanting to recreate something that will never be again. Wanting to move to California. Wanting to have my friends back.

And realizing that God can do anything, overcome everything, and is not tied down to what I picture to be ideal worship. The power was not Phillip, nor myself, nor Hannah, nor Teraena, Jennifer, Diane, John H., Logan, Mark J., John E., Debbie, John S. (we had a lot of Johns throughout the years), Mark D., Wayne, or Nick. It was the Holy Spirit at work in willing people. And the Spirit never ceases. Even though our team is now scattered over the U.S., I can still live according to my calling.

I'm not exactly a fan of this band, but I do appreciate this quote from a Barlow Girl:  

"There will always be someone more talented, but never someone more called. Live according to your calling, not your talent." -Alyssa Barlow

Now, my prayer is that God will open the door for an opportunity to lead this generation into the Throne Room through worship. I will wait, and serve Him still. Be still and know that He is God.